Some of the hardest changes are the ones that aren’t your idea. The changes that happen to us seem to be the ones that have the potential to scar and cause a lot of problems in the future. Having to start over when change wasn’t your idea can be hard because it requires facing tough emotions like:
- Anger
- Confusion
- Sadness
From being fired to losing a loved-one unexpectedly – and everything in between – change that wasn’t your idea is tough to manage but it is important to face things so you can heal and get back on track. The key to getting through this sort of setback is understanding the grief and loss cycle.
The grief and loss cycle is triggered anytime someone faces an unexpected serious life change. The power of the cycle is its purpose – which is to heal over time. The cycle has five stages that go hand-in-hand with facing and managing change that wasn’t your idea.
Stage 1: Shock and disbelief – This phase of the grief and loss cycle begins immediately after a traumatic change has begun. It’s normal to be overwhelmed with what is happening and unable and unwilling to cope. People in this phase of grief and loss are freaked out and in a lot of denial that something is really happening. The newness has no space for making important decisions or managing much. This is the time to lean on friends and let others help make decisions and offer support in very practical ways.
Stage 2: Bargaining – Bargaining comes when the shock is wearing off and you begin to wrestle with what is happening. Going over things in your mind and trying to broker for what you want, which is usually to return to whatever normal felt like before things happened. Bargaining can feel highly emotional and all over the map. You may wake in the morning thinking everything was a dream only to have the facts flood back and overcome you with emotion.
Stage 3: Anger – Big change that you didn’t ask or volunteer for can make you mad. When the shock and disbelief has worn off and you can see every angle of why you are where you are, anger comes into play. Anger at someone, at something, or anger in general. This is normal. Anger is a healthy emotion and it is part of starting over when change wasn’t your idea. The anger helps you identify how you feel about the change you didn’t ask for.
Stage 4: Depression – Depression often feels like the beginning of the grief and loss cycle but it’s actually near the end. Depression comes after all the bargaining and anger has gotten out of your system. You’ve given up fighting against what is for what was. You’ve begun to let go and being depressed will actually pave the way for you to begin something new and start over when change wasn’t your idea. Feel the sadness as fully as you did the anger. Be ready to talk to someone who can help. Allow others to be there for you and do all the self-care you can during this phase.
Stage 5: Acceptance – This final phase is where you can emerge from the fire a forged person. Acceptance is where you begin to face what is and start to see a future despite living with a change you didn’t want. Acceptance makes room for new possibilities and a life that includes this change. Though you didn’t ask for it and likely wouldn’t choose it for yourself, you can start over and rebuild yourself. This phase is filled with possibilities and hope. Emotions like anger and sadness may linger and that is normal. The good news is you have weathered the storm.
Change isn’t always your idea. Sometimes big things happen, and we get swept up in them whether we like it or not. Going through the grief and loss cycle is normal and knowing about it gives you a way to measure where you are on the healing journey.
