Adults who resist change generally come from backgrounds where change was unwelcome or unexpected. Change may have been avoided, seen as scary, or came with consequences and mixed messages. Well-meaning parents may have modeled an aversion to change or mishandled an unexpected change in the family, causing kids to avoid change entirely.
Here are some ways that kids can get the wrong messages about change.
Change seen as quitting: Some kids ask for change in sports or other activities and are told they must “finish what they started,” which sends the message that asking for change is frowned upon.
Change seen as regretful: Children may ask to cut their hair shorter or change their style and they are told they will “regret” their decision, which sends the message that kids can’t trust their own desires or judgement.
Change seen as being ungrateful: A child may ask for something different and the change comes across as being ungrateful for whatever the current status is. This sends the message that asking for change is selfish.
The fact is that change is going to happen. More emphasis should be placed on embracing it and seeking it when the time is right. Parents who embrace and encourage a love for change can help raise kids who adapt well and thrive in an ever-changing world. Here are some tips for helping kids love change.
Tip #1: Ask questions – The best way to encourage change is to ask kids directly. Frame questions in ways that encourage kids to think about new and exciting ways to be, do, and have things in their routine that change. From a new hairstyle to trying a new sport or hobby, encouraging reasonable change helps kids feel confident to try new things.
Tip #2: Use a logical consequences methodology – Some ideas have consequences. If your child asks to cut their hair short, there will be consequences if they don’t love it. It takes time to grow back hair. If you suspect a consequence looming behind a desire to change, share your thoughts in a way that informs, but doesn’t deter their ideas. Once given the facts, allow them to make the final decision – knowing they will accept the consequences if they ultimately don’t like the choice they made.
Tip #3: Don’t connect guilt with change – Part of growing up is discovering preferences, trying new things, and developing a sense of self outside of parents. Kids who want to try something new or stop something old may simply want change. They aren’t being ungrateful or disrespectful. Don’t tie your sense of worth and value to their desire for change. Instead, be proud that they have the confidence and security in you to ask for change.
Teaching your children to adapt and embrace change is something that will give them a leg up in real-world situations. Begin encouraging your children to seek and enjoy change as early as possible. Enjoy the flow of new thoughts, ideas, activities, and expression as a natural part of growth and maturation.
